I’m going to get real for a second.

The two photos are a normal day for me. Stuck on the couch/floor/bed with my kid because it’s the only way to make her stop crying. She will fight me because she’s hungry but won’t eat. When she does eat, she’ll try to tear my nipple off. Or she’s so tired she’s fighting sleep… you get the idea.

I’m lucky though. Mainly because when we are with other people, she seems like the “perfect” baby, giggling and smiling at everyone.

I believe she’s a very chill and calm baby. I know it. I’m very lucky with how tolerant she is of everything. But then I am home alone. And I can’t do anything away from her.

I need to cook, do dishes, clean the cat boxes, vacuum, and do laundry. I have needed to do all those things for a few days now but She won’t let me not hold her for two minutes.

I feel like failure. I am a stay at home mom who can’t keep her home clean. My kid is fed and bathed. But I barely get time to care for myself.

I am not complaining about being a mom. I know this is motherhood. I never expected it to be perfect or how Instagram model families look.

I have been silently struggling lately. I didn’t want people to hear say the same thing over and over again. I’m not crying uncontrollably, I don’t feel suicidal anymore (thanks Zoloft)…. but my mind is fragile.

I love my daughter. I love her completely. But motherhood is tough and brutal.

I have thought about ending it because my daughter deserved a better mother than me. I have thought about putting her up for adoption because I was a failure. I have cried because I can’t get her to settle. Postpartum depression will fuck you up.

So, if you are going through PPD, reach out. Trust me, most mamas have been through this. Fight doctors who say you’re fine and ignore you about your concerns. And I know that is the hardest part.

#thisispostpartum #postpartumdepression #postpartumdepressionisreal #postpartumdepressionawareness