Hey all!

I am back.

As of now, I have only posted once (my about me) and since then, I gave birth to my first child.

First of all, childbirth isn’t for pansies. Labor hurts like HELL… plus that whole pushing a kid out of you. But, not gonna lie. My kid was worth it.

This Postpartum Depression part…

ROLLER COASTER OF ALL THE EMOTIONS!

Now, I was “prepared” for this. I was honest with my doctors and the nurses about having an anxiety depressive disorder so the conversation about PPD happened every visit basically. Which is good. Means I knew.

But I was not prepared to look at my daughter and have two thoughts at the same time.

1) I love you more than myself

2) I can’t care for you. I am a failure.

Both thoughts at the same time. It’s weird.

Throw sleep deprivation from cluster feedings, oh sweet Jesus is my brain sending mixed emotions. (Ps. I am solely breastfeeding so my husband can’t exactly help in that department but he helps where he can).

It is rough. For reals. It’s no cake walk, it isn’t fun, and it’s exactly like my normal depression but completely different all at the same time. I’ve called my mom crying thinking I had killed my kid because she kept spitting up…. do you know what babies do when they over eat? They spit up. I freaked out over a normal thing.

It is an entire life adjustment as well. Everything is different. How I plan trips is different. I have to plan feeding and changing breaks for my kid.

But I believe she is worth it. It’s hard as hell…. and I know I will have good days and really really bad days. But I need to keep moving on and doing my best.

Because it isn’t just about me anymore.

(sorry for typos, I wrote this on my phone and feeding my kid)